This week is proving rather a struggle for me. Actually, the past five years have been fairly difficult for various reasons. It has all started to culminate in one big issue, however. And this morning, as I sat before my computer considering my next series of blog posts, something caught my eye on Twitter. Today is a special day. Every day is special, but today the focus is on talking about mental heath awareness. It is Time to Change.
I don’t personally have a mental health disorder. Recently I did wonder if I had post natal depression, because the first twelve months with my second daughter had been incredibly difficult. But I don’t have post natal depression. I don’t have any medically recognised mental health illness. It took me a while to realise that actually, I was being affected by the effects of mental health illness on someone very close to me.
I haven’t spoken out about this before properly, because my husband is very private. He worries a lot. And now he probably worries that by speaking out about his very serious anxiety disorder, it might affect his career prospects. He also worries that he is driving me away. He worries about money. He worries about his family. He worries about anything and everything that could conceivably happen in his world. And it is driving me crazy.
Today, I need to talk. I need to share with people, anybody. My close friends are well aware of our situation, and they have offered me so much support that I am incredibly grateful and thankful to have them in my life. Without our friends and family, we would not survive this illness. And I say we, because it is a joint problem. I am his wife. My husband is my soul mate. He never fails to tell me that he loves me, and that he couldn’t be without me. That in itself is worrying, to be so totally important to a person that they need you to be present always.
So I welcome #TimetoTalk. I need it. My husband needs it. Perhaps if he knew that it’s OK to feel like this, he might brighten up a little bit. Perhaps if he knew that I absolutely will not give up on him, no matter what he throws at me, he might feel more secure. Perhaps if he knew just what a valuable, intelligent and wonderful person he truly is, he could defeat the self doubt and inferiority complex. Daniel, I love you. And we need you to come home.
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