I joined the social network for A Chronic Voice because I needed to find people who understand what life is like with chronic pain. Today I have written a post using the June link-up prompts, to show my experience of living with a chronic pain disorder. Click here to find other blog posts from fellow chronic pain sufferers, or #spoonies as we call ourselves online.

Searching

Life in lockdown has settled into a strange and slow routine. I have gone through lots of emotions, mood swings, ups and downs during the past couple of months. I finally asked myself, “What am I searching for here?” My response was, “I don’t know.” I was in a state of flux before the pandemic hit. There was a niggling voice telling me that I need something more for myself. After ten years of marriage I have fallen into the rut of caring for the children and the home, and I feel like we have slipped back into the 1950s as a family model. That is not what I want for myself or my children. I am searching for a way to change my routine and my life.

Hoping

At this point in time, my hope has all but faded. My marriage is in serious trouble and I am not going to smile and nod and pretend everything is fine. I have tried every possible route to saving our marriage. We have had counselling, we have tried talking to each other, we have argued, we have ignored. Now my husband has completely buried himself in work, and I believe that he is hoping I will forget about my complaints and that eventually we will fall back into a happy state where I am compliant and giving, always doing everything for him in the home. I give all of myself to my family. Now I hope that I can find some time for me.

Traumatising

The Covid-19 pandemic has caused a lot of trauma all around the world. While my family have so far emerged unscathed, I have friends who were not so lucky. I am surrounded by grief and turmoil, and because I am an empath, I feel it very deeply. I have not seen my mum since March, and that hurts. She is still trying to stay home as much as possible, which she did before the pandemic because she is disabled and has chronic illness. Her immune system is weak, so my siblings and I have been careful not to see her, because we don’t want to risk spreading the virus if we happen to be carrying it. I miss our Saturday afternoons at Mum’s house, enjoying a takeaway tea together. I only recently recognised that this lack of family interaction has had a traumatising effect on me.

Honouring

Here in the UK we are slowly starting to ease lockdown restrictions, although many people think is too soon and we are still very much a high-risk nation. I have mixed feelings about it all. I have now resigned myself to the fact that my children will not return to school until at least September, a fact which makes us all feel sad. This week our non-essential shops and theme parks are allowed to reopen, but I feel no desire to rush out and visit them. There is a small local shopping village that I will visit, but otherwise I will continue to honour the reasons behind lockdown and stay home as much as possible. My children and I have no need to leave home anyway, except to walk the dog.

Responding

Where do we go from here? How do I respond to the myriad niggles and worries that continue to trouble me? My eyes are still a problem. During lockdown I have been able to source my eyedrops and ointments so that was a relief, but I have also been left to care for two young children and a dog by myself, even on days when I have blurred vision and am left feeling grumpy and tired because the eye pain is so intense. All I can do is practice my reiki meditation even just for five minutes here and there, try to keep my children motivated and happy, and wait to see if my husband responds to his family. I won’t hold my breath.

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