Are you happily married? Have you experienced a happy marriage that broke down, or are you currently working on your marriage? I am somewhere between happily married and working on the marriage right now. It happens. My husband and I are two very independent people trying to fulfill our needs, and sometimes we disagree. He also has mental health challenges, namely anxiety and depression, and when the demons arise, boy do they cause trouble. I am a child of divorce, and so I was absolutely determined that when I got married it would be forever. I talked at length with my husband about this and he agreed, because while his parents are not divorced, they have come very close in the past. Both my husband and I agree that we must always fight for our marriage, no matter what happens. We accept that sometimes we both make mistakes, say the wrong thing, behave unkindly to each other.
We are only human. We are not perfect. I can be flighty and overly optimistic, whereas my husband is sometimes so realistic about our situation that it makes me feel depressed. Right now we are at odds because he is succumbing to his demons. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain, but I feel it is a very dark place, and I wouldn’t like to get inside it. But then it might help me clear a few things up. He refuses to communicate when he is in these moods. He shuts himself away at work and avoids dealing with our problems. I don’t want it to affect our children, but I am mindful that I say a lot of mean things about their dad, random throwaway comments, and I need to stop doing that. He is a brilliant father, and I want both him and our children to flourish together. But I also need him now to recognise the part he has to play in our marriage. I feel neglected and put upon, the classic downtrodden housewife. And I am not that person. I am a strong-willed, intelligent woman who just needs a little help around the house, a few holidays here and there, and a break from the drudgery of housework and childcare. Is that so much to ask?
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I like this sentence: “Both my husband and I agree that we must always fight for our marriage, no matter what happens.” My first marriage lasted 20 years. What I learned from that one was that you need to make time for the marriage – spending time doing things together you enjoy. My second husband seems distant sometimes because he’s so intensely focused on projects. I’m learning to accept our differences. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for commenting. Yes, we can all get wrapped up in our individual projects and forget about those around us. We don’t always get the balance right, but we keep trying.
I think it is important, too, to fight to hold on to your individual self withIN the partnership. I like that you go ahead and do what you must do. I hope he eventually participates, as he is missing out, clearly. Before he knows it the kids will be grown and out of the house, and the next phase will begin.
I agree! He can be very involved with the family when his anxiety and OCD is less severe, so we just have to accept that he goes through phases. Our children are happy and their needs are met, so I think we are managing. As for me, I do what I can and I never stop fighting 😉