Do you ever find yourself being grumpy or emotional or upset about something, and then mentally giving yourself a kick up the backside? Growing up I was taught to always be grateful for what I got. I was the child of loving parents and a secure family unit, we had a comfortable home, regular income and all the trappings of white British society. I had no reason to complain or feel sorry for myself. Not the years of bullying at school, a lifetime of hospital treatments and eye pain, or my parents very painful divorce. I was supposed to get on with it and keep smiling. But sometimes, I just want to wallow in self-pity, or rage and scream, or have a good old cry and get everything out of my system.
Like this week, for example. The heatwave is getting hotter, and my eyes are killing me. I am not exaggerating. Due to the nature of my eye condition, I have no eyelashes on the top lid of my left eye. I pulled them all out with tweezers, because they were hurting me. But now my eye has no protection, so the grit can get in. And my severe Dry Eye Syndrome means that I don’t make enough natural lubrication to protect the surface of my cornea. So, it hurts a lot. My vision is blurred, and yet I will not step away from the laptop. I must work. I must write, I must find a job, I need to earn some money. But do I really need to do all of it right now? Probably not.
You see, I am also fortunate that my husband earns enough money to provide for our family so that I can be the housewife. Now that might change again very soon, but I’m trying not to worry about it. What I need to do right now is allow myself the space to process everything that has happened in my life during the past few months. I need to express the grief and relief about what happened to my daughter when she was hospitalised. We almost lost her, but she recovered. That was a miracle, it was magical, it was special. Then we had the drama of moving house, which I pretty much organised and project managed by myself. It was a huge job, and one that I am actually very proud to have done. But it goes unrecognised. Life goes on. Our daughter recovered so we have nothing to feel bad or upset about, do we? We now live in a beautiful, spacious house that is perfect for us, and we should be happy. I am happy. But I am also exhausted, in pain, numb, even. So much activity and so many emotions. I am allowed to feel all of this and to express all of this. I am human. Blessed Be.
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