It has been many months since I posted an update on my spiritual journey. That doesn’t mean I stopped studying the Craft, or that I wandered off the path. There is no set course that we must follow in our lives, but it has taken me a very long time to begin to accept it. I believe there is still work to be done on my ego-based beliefs and ideals, but I am working on them, and that is all I can do.
Looking around me, I see a lot of people that seem to be coming round to the idea of taking care of themselves. We have become a society that expects everything to be done for us, either by machine, or by our government. If something doesn’t work out for us, we blame our lack of money based on the economic situation, or the fault of someone else that did or did not help us in the way that we expected. I know, because I have been there. I have blamed my peers for not showing me the way in my career. I blamed my husband for not being romantic enough, or not doing what I want him to do, even though truthfully, I probably didn’t make it clear to him. I didn’t speak up.
Now I feel that my life is moving forward again, after a period of stillness and quiet. Well, not complete quiet, because I am nurturing two young children. And there lies another challenge. As a shaman, I want to walk in nature alone, and be free to meditate without distraction or interruption. If I take the children for a walk, we must always stop at the park, or talk to the ducks, or simply chatter about everything we see. Those times are precious, and beautiful, and I do cherish them. But I also crave the time to be alone, and to be still.
So hang on, I want to be still, and yet I want to move forward. What does that mean, exactly? What do I want? Well, practically speaking, I want a lot of things. I want to earn proper money from my career as a writer. And for a long time I struggled with this concept, because, well, I was always told that you can’t be a free spirit and still claim money, which apparently is supposed to be a negative, human, capitalist concept. Actually, I don’t think it is, but it is only now that I am resolving my personal demons when it comes to my attitude to money. It is only energy, at the end of the day, and when wielded properly, it can be a force for good, which is what I want.
Oh, I am just a big old bubble of confusion and conflict at the moment! As we move into autumn and Nature settles down for the cold slumber of winter, I will take some time to properly acknowledge all of the wild thoughts and intentions that are circling my mind. I will discard the old, outdated beliefs that no longer serve me, and I will emerge fresh and revitalised in spring. And in my ‘normal’ human life, I will continue my work as Mother, Wife and Writer. Blessed Samhain, brothers and sisters!